Friday, July 18, 2008

Friday Fiction - No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper

Well, I missed last Friday but this week, I'm back (I couldn't stay away for long - this is much too addicting!) This story is one that took 2nd place in the FaithWriters Writing Challenge back in 2004 and is one of my favorites. It is dedicated to me dear husband, who recently got pulled over (and issued a ticket) for speeding. Sorry, honey, couldn't resist!

No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper

Suzie Tierney was late. As in, an hour late. Jack was going to have a fit. He was constantly complaining about her tardiness. She imagined him right now, growing more impatient with every minute, glancing at his watch every minute or so, cursing under his breath. She would get an earful on the way home. She dreaded having to use her weapon on Jack, but she didn't have a choice. Suzie punched the accelerator with her foot.

Blue lights appeared out of nowhere, illuminating her rear view mirror. "Great!" Suzie said out loud, smacking the steering wheel. "Just what I need!"

Pulling off to the side of the road, Suzie stretched out her arm, popped open the glove compartment and rummaged around for her registration. Now Jack was really going to blow his top. It had been her responsibility to register the car when they had moved to California three months ago and she had completely forgotten.

The officer was at her window and she rolled it down, flashing a warm smile. "Is there a problem, Officer?" she asked sweetly.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?" he asked, expressionless.

"Um---Hmmm. No, not really. I couldn't have been going over the speed limit, though. I always watch my speed. Don't want to break the law!"

"You were going sixty miles per hour. The speed limit is forty-five. Can I see your license and registration?" No smile from Officer Crabby Pants.

"Well, that's the thing, Officer. I just moved here from Michigan three months ago and I haven't gotten our new registration yet," Suzie explained as she handed over her Michigan registration.

"You've had plenty of time. I'm going to have to write you up. Hold tight." She watched Officer Grinch saunter back to his cruiser, as if he had all the time in the world. She checked her watch. Jack was probably seething by now!

This cop obviously had no mercy! Suzie simply could not afford a ticket right now. Besides facing Jack's wrath, finances were tight - they had no extra money to spend on traffic tickets! She would have to think of something - fast. Officer Scowley was on his way back. She rifled through her purse for her weapon. She didn't want to use it but she would if necessary.

"I issued you two tickets," he said. Suzie started to protest and the officer cut her off. "Actually, you should thank me. I only wrote you for five over. Saved you some big money. But I also had to write you up for an expired registration."

Suzie had no choice. It was now or never. She tightened the grip on her weapon and pulled it out. She could have sworn she saw fear in Officer Do-No-Good's face. Sweet revenge.

"Wahhh-----" she wailed, swiping at her eyes with the tissue. "Please, Officer. You can't give me a t-ticket. I p-promise to run right to the Secretary of State and r-register the car. And I swear I will never speed again." Suzie's breath came in short bursts and she twisted her face, contorting it as if in severe pain. Tears sprouted from her eyes and she made a display of soaking the tissue.

"Maam, I'm afraid…" (Yes! She knew he was afraid) "that no weapon formed against me will prosper. I'll have to write you up for trying to manipulate an officer of the law with tears."

"What?" Suzie asked, confused.

"Crying your way out of a speeding ticket is against the law in the state of California."

"What are you talking about?" Suzie asked, her eyes suddenly drying up to accommodate anger. "Michigan doesn't have a law like that. I've never heard something so stupid!"

"There are too many actresses in California. It would be impossible to tell who was truly sorry and who was faking it."

Suzie watched, dumbfounded, as Officer Lower-than-Low wrote out the ticket.

"How much is the fine?" Suzie demanded.

"Only subsequent offenders get fined. You'll probably just be sentenced to attend Cryers Anonomous for six months. Just make sure you don't try it again." The officer smiled for the first time and headed back to his cruiser.

Suzie was in shock. Jack would be furious! She wondered if her weapon would work on him today. Highly doubtful. She wadded up the tissue, tossed it angrily out of the window and watched in horror as it hit Officer Evil smack dab in the back of the head.

Then Suzie cried. For real.

To read more of my FaithWriters Challenge entries, visit my profile.


LauraLee Shaw said...

That is positively a HOOT! Oh my goodness, her secret weapon. We used to know a Dallas cop in our Bible Study who said that if a person started crying it was an automatic ticket. I always thought that was so mean, but now I get it! Love it, Lynda.

Scarlet Carter(S.Harricharan) said...

Heehee! I never read this one before and it was so fun! I loved to see this 'secret weapon' so hilarious! You had me going for a minute there, it was good! ^_^

Shirley said...

HAHAHA... too funny. I only had a ticket once in my life and it was at a roadblock and my rotten little brother hadn't put his seatbelt on. I was 17 and yes, I cried for real!! Humiliating! Mom made him come before the judge too.

Marie said...

I've thought about crying out of a ticket, but knew it wasn' the right way to handle things. I had to own up to my stupid mistake. I loved this story.

Blessed One said...

This was really funny! Thank you, Lynda, for the laugh, I really needed it today. BTW, I'm glad I found your blog, I'd like to add you to my blogroll. Blessings! ~ Tracy

Dee Yoder said...

One of the best things about Friday Fiction is that I get to read Challenge entries from before my time at FW. This is a hoot! I was so puzzled in the first paragraph about what weapon she planned to use on her husband: it stuck in the back of my mind as I read. When I read that she pulled a tissue out of her purse-oh my! Thanks for the chuckle...I needed that today. ( :

Patty Wysong said...

ROFL...I love it!

Carmen said...

love your skilz!

And thanks so much for the friendly welcome!

Shalom Aleichem Sista!