Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought, "What in the world am I thinking?"
I had one of those this morning about my writing.
So I know I'm an ok writer. I've had some things published and have won a few contests. But I'll be honest. Right now, as I prepare to attend the ACFW conference, I feel way out of my league. I mean, why did I ever entertain the idea that an insecure girl like me, from a small Michigan town, could make it as an actual author? Why would anyone even want to read what I have to say? Why would an agent or editor take a chance on me? I must have my head in the clouds.
See what I mean about being insecure?
Maybe my bursts of insecurity have to do with being overwhelmed at the thought of meeting some of my favorite authors. Of thinking that I am actually attending the same conference as multi-published, award-winning novelists. Of knowing I'll be rubbing shoulders with people on the A-list. Those who know everything there is to know about the publishing industry and deal with writers every day who aren't just OK, but REALLY GREAT! Sorry, but for me, that's intimidating! I have this fear that when I open my mouth to speak, I'll start fumbling all over myself and everyone will point and laugh. And all that will be left to do is hang my head and exit as quickly and quietly as I can.
Or maybe my recent feeling of inadequacy has to do with the fact that I didn't receive "the call" by the 25th (that would be yesterday) letting me know that I finaled in the ChickLitWriters.com's Get your Stiletto in the Door contest. I entered in the inspirational category, and was so excited at the opportunity to possibly have my work put in front of agent, Kelly Mortimer, and editor Beth Adams (Guideposts). But, the inspy category was cut at the last minute because of lack of entries. I was given the choice to get my money back or have my entry transferred to another category. I chose "Chick Thrill" because my entry is a mystery. Well, I knew there would be a lot more competition in that category and that my chances had just decreased, but I wanted the feedback, and the same entry is a finalist in the ACFW Genesis contest this year, so I entered anyway. Well, the 25th is past and the finalists have been notified, so...sigh...despite the fact that I didn't expect to final, it's still disappointing.
Or maybe my insecurities have popped up due to it being almost that time of the month (a little too much honesty for you?)
But I'll get over it - maybe not until after the conference, but this feeling won't last forever.
Because despite all of my "what in the world am I thinking" moments, I know God has given me a gift to write. And I believe that I am to use that gift for His glory. I recall all of the doors he has opened and the confirmations He has placed in my path. I am convinced that I have the ability to craft a story and even to make it shine. And I am determined to do everything I can to make Him proud.
Now I only have to scrounge up the faith that when I open my mouth, I'll actually say something intelligent and the hope that nobody will really point and laugh.