Exercising my Freedom to Vent

What better time than the 4th of July weekend to exercise my freedom to vent? Don't worry, I'm not venting about a particular person, although I do consider my manuscript to be my baby and the characters are very real to me.

I have to vent because if I don't, I may go insane. So please bear with me as I get this off my chest.

The manuscript I'm working on is a mystery. This mystery finaled last year in the Genesis contest. It won the 2009 FaithWriters Page Turner contest. It finaled again in this year's Genesis. These things make me very happy and cause me to think this story has definite potential. Since I love reading mysteries, the thought of writing one excites me. I love the overall concept of this particular story. I adore the characters. I even have several titles and ideas for other mysteries I'd like to write in the future.

BUT...

This book has given me nothing but one long, splitting headache. I have revised it so many times I'm getting majorly confused. While this started out in first person, present tense, it's now mainly first person past tense, with a handful of other POV's thrown in. I've removed scenes, added scenes, and changed hundreds of details. I recently sent some questions to my critique partner to pass along to her husband, who happens to be a police officer, undercover detective and sergeant for over 28 years. I totally appreciate him taking the time to answer my questions and am so thankful to have input from a professional. But basically, he told me what I've been suspecting. I got a lot wrong. Or at least enough to warrant more revising... changing... reworking...

UGH.

So now what? Due to my complete and utter frustration, I'm seriously thinking of bagging this thing for now and working on something else. I do have another ms I love that is about 30,000 words in. Or, I could work on the sequel to Mind Over Madi, the series my agent is currently pitching. Or, I could go with an entirely new project - one that's been rolling around in my brain for a while now. I could focus on one of those, if only to stop the insanity of this darned mystery.

But here's the thing. I really, really wanted to have this one completed by the conference. Not only because it's a finalist in the Genesis and it would look good to editors if it's ready to submit, but because I love the idea of the story and would be thrilled to see it published. Would putting it aside make me a quitter? Someone who gives up when the going gets tough? It certainly might look that way to an editor.

Maybe you're thinking, "Get over it. It's not the end of the world. Just make a decision and move on." And I agree. I want nothing more than to decide what I'm doing and run with it. But my mind isn't cooperating.

Before you ask, yes, I've prayed (and prayed and prayed) about it. I honestly don't know what He's telling me. I really don't think God has a particular novel in mind that He wants me to pursue. I think He's leaving it up to me. In fact, maybe this is what He's trying to teach me. To exercise my freedom of choice and just pick one already! Whichever one I choose, He'll be at my side cheering me on.

I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense. If you're still reading at this point, I'm surprised. (But thank you!) I just need to sit down and sort it all out and make a decision about which direction to go. Easier said than done.

I'd love to know I'm not the only struggling and confused author out there. Are you or have you been frustrated, confused, or irritated with your manuscript or writing life?

Please feel free to exercise your freedom. Vent away.

Redefining Me

Yesterday, my husband and I met with a loan officer (Ken) to talk about refinancing our home. Interest rates are a full point less than we're paying right now, so it's the perfect time to do it. Hey, saving $100 a month sounds good to us, especially when that money could go towards our daughter's braces that she'll be getting this summer.

So we're sitting in the bank answering the typical questions for the zillions of forms required. At one point, we realized my income wasn't needed in order for us to qualify. Ken said, "So instead of listing your occupation" (self-employed writer), "I'll just list you as a 'homemaker.' Is that ok?"

Wanna know what I said in response? Do you? Wait for it...

I replied, "Well, I don't like the sound of that, but whatever." (insert chuckle)

On the way home, I thought about what I'd said and this time I didn't laugh. When in the world did I start thinking that "homemaker" was a dirty word? A word to be embarrassed by or even ashamed of?

Hey, I'm all for women working and pursuing careers. I personally think that "writer" is one of the things that defines who I am. But yesterday caused me to take a look at my heart and discover that a part of me believed that being a "writer" defined me more than being a "homemaker."

Housewife...homemaker...stay-at-home mom...it's sad that society has determined that this role is unimportant, unworthy, certainly nothing to brag about.

And how much sadder that I'd adapted that mentality.

I'm thinking that my husband and kids would rather define me as a great wife and mother than a writer any day. And even though I believe part of my purpose on this earth is to use the talents God's given me, I think my most vital purpose - the one that will have the most eternal impact - is making a home for my family.

Bang a couple of pots and pans if you agree.

What's the Word?

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

I'm cheating a little bit on this post. I stole the topic from the ACFW loop (gasp!). Every week, a new topic is presented to ACFW members to consider, mull over, and respond to. They are all great topics but this week it really spoke to me and I'd love to share it with you. (By the way, if you are not yet an ACFW member, what are you waiting for? Sign up here)

Of course, I won't post the initial message word-for-word but, in a nutshell, here it is:

What do you feel God is speaking to you as you head into the new year?

Many writers get a "word" from God about their writing as they look back on the previous year and forge ahead into the new one. Maybe it's something they feel God has been trying to tell them for a while and they're finally paying attention, or maybe it's a brand new word altogether.

I thought about this and I truly feel that the word God is speaking to me as I head into 2009 is STRETCH.

Already, He's confirmed that word by presenting me with an opportunity that takes me well out of my comfort zone. It's an opportunity I know He wants me to grasp, but one that I also really don't want to do. Fear is something I've struggled with my whole life - fear of man and what people think of me. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough.

I am reminded of Moses, who argued with God about his (Moses') speech inpediment when God asked him to go to Pharoah and demand that he let the Israelites go (Exodus 3). And I am reminded of Gideon who didn't believe he could fight the Midianites (Judges 6). In both cases, the message is clear: THEY couldn't do it on their own. But GOD could do it THROUGH them.

Which is what I feel God is telling me. This is the year I feel I will be stretched when it comes to my writing. AND also in my personal life. My faith, my beliefs, my "territory" will be stretched and forced out of the box. I believe I will also learn to STRETCH in another way, as in, my hands - up to Him and out to others. I can ALWAYS use more of that type of stretching.

I'll admit, it's a little scary. (Hey, if Moses could be scared, I can!) BUT, it's also liberating to know I don't need to do it on my own. It's not ME who will do it, but GOD through me.

So what's the word you feel God has whispered to your heart for 2009? What is He trying to get you to see? How does he want you to change and grow? Is there a paricular lesson you feel He's trying to teach you? I'd love to hear it! Let's cheer each other on as we strive to be all God is calling us to be!